Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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