it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
