I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You took a bar mat shot.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
