is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
