I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
