the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
