she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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