I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
