awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
