I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
