Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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