I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
