It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
