Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
