i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
