He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
