So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
