if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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