I want to walk on stilts...naked
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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