i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
