Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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