I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
