my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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