Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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