I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
