Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
