Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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