went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
