I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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