Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
