but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
