i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Vodka?
Forever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
