Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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