i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
