you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
