she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
