I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
a search helicopter?!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
