just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
