we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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