the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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