Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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