Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
