In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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