a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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