I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
