Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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