If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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