New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
