someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
