finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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