When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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