It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
