Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he fucked my hip out of place.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
