how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
